I love travelling I have always dreamed of visiting the Balkans - some countries of Former Yugoslavia. Once I have been in Split (it charmed me and thrilled at the same time). I set some money aside and said "Have to do it, now or never".
I didn't call my mum, I knew how worried she would be, whenever she hears a word 'Yugoslavia' - becomes upset. Why? She associates it with a war that lasted more then 10 years! Not wonder she is over-reactive. Neither she nor my sister knew of my departure.
I packed my small bag and went off.
Where did I go - to two towns - Novi Sad in Serbia and Sarajevo in BiH.
Novi Sad undoubtedly changed, unlike Belgrade it is truly a cultural cradle of Vojvodina. I was going all along the street admiring astounded how much effort it all had taken to renovate it (building, all kinds of facilities) to it present beauty. The shadows of wars reminded, people, though, try not to notice them all.
November is not a perfect time for trips, it was cool as hell. I've visited museum, went to the cinema, watched some local movie with quite handsome actors.
In the hotel brassiere I met a young woman -- a hostess or a room service-attendant, she was about to go home, We started a conversation.
I didn't ask about the Balkan conflict, she was a student of movie-making at the local university, the work in the hotel was just to earn for a living and cover her daily expenses. It was a very humble salary, just enough to carry on.
She wanted to know where I was from ... I replied, I'm form Poland but live and work in Amsterdam. She also dreams of going out of Serbia, she has never traveled far out due to lack of money and visa.
I explained Her that I didn't travel much as well, I was a teacher so I didn't have enough money to set aside and make trips, emigration and other job opportunities allowed me to make my dreams come true. She nodded, understood how important is to work, to float all the time despite of all odds.
I went to my room, look through the pictures I made and went to bed. The weather was wintry, the cold wind was blowing all day. I felt frost all over my body. Tomorrow's almost the last day of my Balkan trip - I'm heading for BiH. I am going to Sarajevo and a graveyard situated nearby Srebrenica.
Once I spoke with my friend Monika - a future UN Peacekeeping soldier in Syria and Israel and a nurse, a great friend. We talked about a war, how it changes people, we discussed her departure in 2009-2010, she was determined, I was worried. She made her decision and off went, I stayed ....
Going to Sarajevo was full of anticipation, I knew I will see a modern, 'cosmopolitan' city, renovated from the ashes of Wars. I haven't been mistaken, it was rebuilt, it was new and modern, it was full of people but behind a gliding facade was poverty, anger, mutual mistrust and hatred.
I was immediately recognized as a newcomer, "European citizen". That what a hotel boy called me .... I told him "So are You, aren't You?" He looked at me and replied "Not quite". I didn't understand it at first. What he meant? I thought. I took me while to catch it up. BiH is so far from Europe that UE only recalls its presence during another sad and devastating anniversary in Srebrenica - the town I will be heading for today.
The feeling of rejection is so big that Bosniaks do not feel any appurtenance to UE and Europe itself. I didn't develop the topic it was and still is hurtful... the dark mist of ended war enshrouds BiH.
I went to Srebrenica by train, I met a guy, Turkish origin or so. Muslim for sure. He was also going my direction, apparently to the same sad place. I was afraid like hell but started talking first.
- 'First time in BiH' -- I explained myself, guilty I dared to speak out.
-'I know, I see You're looking around, don't be afraid ...'
- 'I'm a bit ... I'm going to Srebrenica - to commemoration place' I added.
- ' I go there too' - He said trying to speak English well.
- 'Don't get me wrong, I have to see this place'. I reassured myself, I didn't have to assure Him, I guess. I looked at His face, He was 41 or 45 yrs. Young man I thought. I saw sadness in His eyes, almost a tear.
- ' I have three brothers there, go and visit them almost every day'
Wanted to cry. Weronica!!! You should've reminded silent. And I was till we reached the town.
The surrounding is amazing, Bosnia is so beautiful, the mountains are stunning, it looks as if it was keeping this small town out of harm.
- Are You ready' He asked, I nodded, but I wasn't ready, not at all. I followed Him, He didn't walk fast, He waited for me, We kept walking in silence, I was shocked, He knew that, I was freezing, I only put a light heavy jacket and a scarf on - I didn't have winter gloves and a wooden hat.
I do not know when I held his hand, He looked at Me and follow the aisle He knew so well, He showed me where His brothers have been buried.
He started praying - I couldn't, I didn't know how .... How to do it in this sacred place that doesn't belong to me, how to commemorate those who should live ...
I just stood, didn't dare to look around ... of shame, of fear... I knew that I was surrounded by endless sea of tombs. It took me quite a long time to look behind, forward, left and right to realize where I am and it takes me another pack of years to understand what I saw.
-'Enough, let's go back, You saw enough' - He told Me.
Having My head put down I left the graveyard, I wasn't brave, I didn't encounter all those war heroes with grace rather with fear, hopelessness and misery. I wasn't ready and I failed.
-' Put it on, Your head, You're in Bosnia' - He said. He handed me his scarf. I did what He said. He entered a door of a cafe the name I shall not recall now and asked for two cups of coffee. I was glad He did it, I needed it.
I didn't talk much, He did. He told me about His brothers, their plans before the war broke out, His life, the past He hates and the future He encounters with a stream of feelings. His wife, kids ... life in Bosnia. His business ...
Thanked for a cup of coffee. He stayed I took a train back to Sarajevo. I am leaving soon.
I entered the hotel room, it was warm and nice, I took a glimpse all around, it was neat. I sat on a chair, took my light winter jacket out all along with a scarf on my neck and head. I recalled my unknown friend's 'gift', His scarf that I will not return ...
Was my trip OK? Successful? I do not know ... I had some expectation but all of them did not concern the trip but Me ... I didn't fulfill my own expectations ....
I left the hotel room neat and clean, made the bed ... I'm a maid I thought .... let it be clean ... at lest as should be ...
I am going back to Amsterdam ...
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